summer winds down

There isn't much to say. Things for the most part are the same. Unfortunately my funds are still extremely limited, so I don't have much to do in my free time. Consequently, I have a lot of it. Summer, and especially the end of summer, is excruciatingly slow in my industry. What I have been doing is getting back into my good routines. Yoga in the morning, long afternoon walks, meditation at nights. I don't do all of it everyday, but I do one of them 6 out of 7. It's nice.

If I did have funds I'd be getting out more. Taking classes, meeting people. I want to be as comfortable here as if I'd lived here for five or more years, even though it's only been two months. After several years of moving around, I can see the allure of never leaving the place you grew up, or going back there. It's easy socially. No, I am not saying that I am going back. I just understand why people do it. If anything it will be a challenge for me to stay here for five years. There is so much world out there I want to keep moving! But is it worth the cost of never making deep connections to a place and the people that you meet while there? Granted, the only place that I have experience with besides my hometown was unusually transient. So transient that few would dare to call it "home". So I do not know how rooted I can become in a place in two years time. In said time I will let you know my findings.

For now I take it a day at a time, as any would do in my station. It is slow, yet pleasant.

Ugh, Reality...

The hardest part about moving to a new place isn't lugging your stuff up flights of stairs. It isn't adjusting to a new locale or starting over at a new job. It isn't leaving the place you were behind. It's not having money. It's being broke. It's falling behind on bills and other surprise expenses. I know what you may be thinking, "Oh well you should have saved." But how can you when for your last month and half your boss goes out of town so frequently that your hours get sliced in half. Then again it's net she worked me everyday and saw me face to face so that she was detatched from my situation. Oh no wait- she was! Grrr. I know it's childish but at the moment all I want to do is put the blame on someone. Even if it's myself. It's just so frustrating being so broke. It's even harder to know that I'm working but still am managing to fall behind thanks to the training pay rate loop hole. 

Ugh, gotta go to work.  

Settling in

It's nearly a month in my new space. Two weeks into my new job. Though I have settled in physically, my mind is still kicked up like a fit of dust on a windy day. I am betwixt the past and the future. I am having a hard time letting go in the present. I am neither here nor there. Just floating somewhere in the void of my self inflicted limbo. Unintentional.

In the hopes of succeeding in my latest job I am confronted with my anger towards my last position. Or more precisely, the one who was so callously taking advantage of hard work and sacrifice. Before I venture forth, let me make clear that it was the best move to make. And at first, it was good. In fact, my prior experience had not shown that I would end up quite like this. To make myself clear, I had no idea that I would be so mistaken. Furthermore, I have dealt with this intense sense of anger and misfortune for nearly a year. Although I knew my predicament, in all of it's clarity I had to let my self be optimistic. Not out of naivete, but merely to make it through a year that I knew I would have to face. What it comes down to is that I worked hard. I kicked ass. I did something that was proven time and again that no one else could do. And received no incentive or compensation for it. What I did receive were lies and hypocrisies. What angers me the most is someone who is so close, that you see every day and who you work so hard for you could really do such a thing. Did she really think I did not and do not know what she was doing? Did she really think she was deceiving anyone? Herself, perhaps, but no one else.

Imagine, the other employee- who she constantly talked about behind her back and then was nice and passive aggressive to her face- claimed that she did not like her because she was a hypocrite. When I asked her why she thought she was such a thing she claimed not to know exactly why. Projection. Such a nice way to make the parts of yourself that are ugly an other's faults and thus easier to deal with. In all honesty, I wonder if she really knows just what the word means. It's harsh to say I know, but I questioned her intelligence often. Ah well.

I suppose I say all of these things to make clear that I am no fool. Though waiting such an unappealing predicament out was taxing, it was all I could do. I did wait 21 years to get out of my parents house, what was one year in comparison? At least for that year I had a peaceful home to come home to. It makes me laugh to think how unhappiness and a persons such devious indifference can reflect in a persons life. How it undermines even the most cherished and pristine parts of oneself.

Strangely enough, I have never been more self confident. Those two years were an integral part of my self growth- for reasons far beyond the unfortunate job situation. I feel I know myself much better; I see myself in a clearer light. Most importantly I am not afraid to be myself. It is amazing how stark is the contrast of the good and bad parts of my stay in that wretched hive of transience and instability.

Looking forward I see possibility. I feel that my new job provides all the things that all of my other previous endeavors have lacked. It is assured that I have cleared another rung on the ladder. I will be earning more now that I have to date, an there are real incentives. Not just lies to get one in the door, but a real system. Charts and percentages and all. Will I make the money that will support me forever? Is this IT? No, I don't think so. I don't think that I will find what I need financially from massage ever. I do know that this works for now, and I'm fine with that.

Exploring the city is fun. It is hard to stop. I had forgotten how fast I like to live. Once I get into something of a regular routine I'll be able to catch my stride and achieve the work/play balance that has been so painfully off kilter for so long.

So, it may be another few weeks before the dust settles and I'm firmly rooted back in the present. I hope, for now, that I have let off enough steam and that I can get to sleep now. Good night.

Almost There....

Two days left!!! I'm so excited and nervous that I literally cannot sleep. It may be a good thing, I will have more time to pack. It's so quiet in the dead of night. Even the white noise of the ac is loud.

There are only a few things left out of boxes. It's so strange to pack up an entire living space, kitchen and all, into boxes. I've never seen all or my (our) stuff all lumped together. Even when we moved into the apartment a year and a half ago we only had a quarter maybe of what we have now. Perhaps even closer to an eighth. By no means do we have an exorbonant amount of things.... shoes perhaps (who doesn't?). Still, it's strange. In a good way of course. It puts the fact that I have my own life into perspective. As I pack I look at the books and appliances and other stuff and I think to myself "Wow, all of this is my stuff. This is all that I have worked for." It feels good. I feel accomplished. Most of all I feel ready for the next step. Steps.

It reminds me of a time when I was sixteen. I was on the run, or a holiday, depending on who you asked. Anyways, I was staying on a friend of a friends couch. He was obviously much older. Probably closer to my age now. He had a small one bedroom apartment. We all came from the same place, more or less. Unsupportive parents, bad families or what have you. He looked around and said "This is what you get..." among other things. We were all drunk, at the very least. I looked around and at the time it seemed impossible. I look around now and see that I have surpassed what I saw then, and I am eternally happy. It does make me wander what the tree of us there that night seven years ago would have been like if we were from better families. "Better" it is such a vague term when talking about family. Better could mean more money. Then we'd be in the same trouble with more expensive toys. So no, that's not what I mean. So then I must be wondering if the three of us were given love structure and support? Not just one or two but all three? Would we have even been there at all? Would we be better for it? Who knows. Some digging on myspace shows that for some the wounds never heal. Poor souls. Poor thing...

So coming away from memory lane and on towards the days to come. I'm hoping that my camera will stop being annoying and work right, I'd really like to document the move. If not, I'll just write. Until next time, good bye.

2 Weeks Left in the Armpit!

I must apologize, that I began my journal of the Boston trip and never finished. It is over a month since I visited and too much time has passed for me to properly recall it. Looking back I will say that I absolutely loved being in such a dense cosmopolitan atmosphere. Being immersed in it rekindled my desire to be back in the city, for it is truly where I belong. Now I am closer to being back in a proper place than I have been in nearly two years. Yes, it will be a month short of two years in this desolate place. But onto good news and brighter thoughts.

I have got the position in the spa which I so desired! It was such arduous work going out to Raleigh once a week for the past month, but it paid off. I interviewed with three different establishments and I know that I chose the best option, it's exhilarating and soothing all at once. I am elated to be moving with the most important things secured, the job and the apartment. The spa is named Skin Sense. There are three locations, with a separate headquarters and call center. It is an establishment on the grandest scale that I have had the pleasure to work for. Accompanying the grandeur of such a company comes the ever important benefits, which I am relieved to have taken care of. Speaking of which, I have been giving much thought to self employment and the benefits of it. True, all of your profits are your own and no one else's but it is it really more profitable to do so when you step back and look at the larger scheme of things? It is really too much for me to get into now, and I do plan on taking a serious look at the numbers as well as the pro's and con's. For now, I am happy - very happy - with my latest venture.

I am wondering also where my Reiki practice will go from here, or more correctly, where I will decide to take it. I have always given it half the energy that I have known that it needed, but I always saw it as part of my massage practice. Now I am realizing that it can and should be separate. I am trying to write my handouts for my first Master level class. I have so many ideas, but when I sit down to get it all together it scatters. I think that I think too much on the matter and worry nonsensically about order and perfection in the first draft. I also know that I never give myself enough time to get it all together. It is quite a task, creating a class. Lesson, text and test. Not forgetting to mention the part about public speaking and taking authority on a subject. I often feel like a child dropped into the pool at her first swimming lesson, when you feel utterly helpless, about to drown. Inevitably I always surface, but I still have trouble swimming. I know I will and can get it together and succeed, so I keep working.

That is all for tonight. I will try to put my thoughts of work to rest for now. It takes much time to get matters of work off my mind, I find they keep me up at night most often. Hopefully this entry will have cleared most of those thoughts from me for tonight. Good night.

Looking back on Boston

DAY 1

Or should I say "Bahsten"? God knows none of us could say Worcester (pronounced "Wuh-ster"), even by the time we left so...Boston it is.

Wow, yes, Boston it really is amazing. Coming from Miami, which is a large city by any means, you'd figure you'd know what to expect. This place blew me out of the water. The sheer saturation of people and places and ways to get there. Forget that its a "concrete jungle" the common term used back home. This is the jungle piled on top of itself, over and over. An amalgam of old and new, from art to architecture to simply the oldest part of America. Amazing.

So, the trip begins on a Thursday afternoon. I hadn't packed, and I got off work late. Gabe hasn't packed, plus he got out of work late to. It's 4, our plane leaves at 7. Can we make it? We pack at lightning speed, get showered, feed the cat and get out the door. It's 4:47. Will we make it?

No, we won't. By 18 measly minutes. The bag clerk tells us this lovely information and directs us to the counter. Gabe's stressing, but could we have done? So the clerk at check in gives us stand by for a 6:10 am flight. We walk back to our car as the rain begins to fall. Kinda pissed off, kinda hungry. So we head of to the Cheesecake Factory. I need a glass of wine and Gabe needs some cheesecake.

4 am rolls around and we get up and ready and out the door by 5:15. A miracle by any stretch. We get the seats and its a smooth early morning flight, over the gray clouds and the wet world below.

As we descended into Boston I could see the cityscape in the distance, it was a chilly 50 degrees and wet. Yup, 50 degrees. And the warmest thing I brought was a cardigan (oops!)
The airport in Boston is large, reminiscent of MIA, but cleaner and better organized...Like most other large cities in comparison to Miami...anyway..Gabriel's older brother David meets us at the terminal and lead us to a much needed breakfast. We've got a couple hours to kill since Gil (G's father) was coming in at 10:30, so we went downstairs to get food. To my delight there was kashi cereal and silk for breakfast. (woo hoo, vegan fare!!!). Catching up with Dave was great, but I was anxious to get into the city!

It was to my slight dismay that all 9 of us would be traveling to Connecticut for the day, this city would have to come later. But we we going to see Ana Marie's brand new baby girl named Eva Maire, more lovingly referred to as Scootch!! (yes, you must say it as an exclamation or else you're pronouncing it wrong. Its a Bahsten thing); so the trip was well worth it. There is a picture of Ana Marie and Scootch!! to the left here. It was a wonderful visit, the fancy cuban coffee cups and all.


We left around 4 towards Boston again. Still in the rain. I think the close quarters made us all a little batty...




We went to the section of Boston called Brookline for dinner. According to Dave and Jenk, it's the Jewish community of the area. It was really cute. But in all honsety I was too damp to enjoy it. I was kind of wishing I had brought closed toe shoes with me. Oh well. The day finally ended around 10 pm. Needless to say I slept great that night.

why's it so damn hard?

Before I begin my rant, let me let you know-that I know, I'm the underlying factor here.

Ok. It is fucking impossible to eat a satisfying, low fat vegetarian meal OUT at a RESTAURANT, let alone vegan (god forbid!)

If your one of the gross people out there who is in the bubble of grilled chicken or fish and vegetables and light (or no) carbs for sides as your eating out staple, well lucky you. (yes, while I respect your decision to eat the dead decaying flesh of a tortured corpse, I do find it gross. Don't get preachy or defensive-that's exactly what your eating). Meanwhile, for all of us who abstain from meat and furthermore, from eggs and dairy are at a devastating loss. For you see, every vegetarian option that I have come across is laden with cheese and oil and FAT. It's gross. And for those of you who say "oh just eat a salad"; I, a vegetarian transitioning into veganism, finds  an iceberg lettuce salad as much of a meal as anyone else would. And the rub is, I can't go and order a cup of beans or grilled tofu to go with that salad. I don't understand why there aren't ever vegetarian options on the "Weight Management" sections of restaurant menus. Just because I don't eat flesh doesn't mean that I can eat all the cheese I want and still be healthy and slim. There are people out there who are trying to eat healthy and low fat that aren't part of the grilled chicken = light healthy fare train of thought. And when there are veggie burgers or grilled protobello sandwiches, why are they smothered in cheese, oil and mayo? Grrrrrr! A light, appetizing, vegan option should be just as much of a restaurant menu staple as the grilled chicken salad. I honestly believe if the option was there for people they would go for it. If more people had the opportunity to eat veg when they went out, more and more people would see it as a normal healthy way of eating. 

Now, that's off my chest, time for rational thought. First, the obvious: order the food with out the goddamn cheese. Just suck it up. Be a picky bitch and order what it is you want. Second, don't go to restaurants that don't support your food choices. So, for someone who travels a lot don't just go to the first big commercial place you can think of because you know its there, try something like Thai or Indian. Even though, you still have to be careful because some places will make you a stir fry with tofu and veggies but the sauce has chicken or fish stock in it. Once again, it comes down to being a picky bitch and asking. It may be a pain in the ass that the world is a few steps behind in catering to all the options of [truly] healthy eating, but it'll feel better at the end of the night when you don't have a tummy ache or go back to work with out an after lunch bloated tummy.

Never the  less, we should have more options. There should also be more veg restaurants out there. It should be a staple, like your neighborhood chinese, thai or pizza place.