Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Settling in

It's nearly a month in my new space. Two weeks into my new job. Though I have settled in physically, my mind is still kicked up like a fit of dust on a windy day. I am betwixt the past and the future. I am having a hard time letting go in the present. I am neither here nor there. Just floating somewhere in the void of my self inflicted limbo. Unintentional.

In the hopes of succeeding in my latest job I am confronted with my anger towards my last position. Or more precisely, the one who was so callously taking advantage of hard work and sacrifice. Before I venture forth, let me make clear that it was the best move to make. And at first, it was good. In fact, my prior experience had not shown that I would end up quite like this. To make myself clear, I had no idea that I would be so mistaken. Furthermore, I have dealt with this intense sense of anger and misfortune for nearly a year. Although I knew my predicament, in all of it's clarity I had to let my self be optimistic. Not out of naivete, but merely to make it through a year that I knew I would have to face. What it comes down to is that I worked hard. I kicked ass. I did something that was proven time and again that no one else could do. And received no incentive or compensation for it. What I did receive were lies and hypocrisies. What angers me the most is someone who is so close, that you see every day and who you work so hard for you could really do such a thing. Did she really think I did not and do not know what she was doing? Did she really think she was deceiving anyone? Herself, perhaps, but no one else.

Imagine, the other employee- who she constantly talked about behind her back and then was nice and passive aggressive to her face- claimed that she did not like her because she was a hypocrite. When I asked her why she thought she was such a thing she claimed not to know exactly why. Projection. Such a nice way to make the parts of yourself that are ugly an other's faults and thus easier to deal with. In all honesty, I wonder if she really knows just what the word means. It's harsh to say I know, but I questioned her intelligence often. Ah well.

I suppose I say all of these things to make clear that I am no fool. Though waiting such an unappealing predicament out was taxing, it was all I could do. I did wait 21 years to get out of my parents house, what was one year in comparison? At least for that year I had a peaceful home to come home to. It makes me laugh to think how unhappiness and a persons such devious indifference can reflect in a persons life. How it undermines even the most cherished and pristine parts of oneself.

Strangely enough, I have never been more self confident. Those two years were an integral part of my self growth- for reasons far beyond the unfortunate job situation. I feel I know myself much better; I see myself in a clearer light. Most importantly I am not afraid to be myself. It is amazing how stark is the contrast of the good and bad parts of my stay in that wretched hive of transience and instability.

Looking forward I see possibility. I feel that my new job provides all the things that all of my other previous endeavors have lacked. It is assured that I have cleared another rung on the ladder. I will be earning more now that I have to date, an there are real incentives. Not just lies to get one in the door, but a real system. Charts and percentages and all. Will I make the money that will support me forever? Is this IT? No, I don't think so. I don't think that I will find what I need financially from massage ever. I do know that this works for now, and I'm fine with that.

Exploring the city is fun. It is hard to stop. I had forgotten how fast I like to live. Once I get into something of a regular routine I'll be able to catch my stride and achieve the work/play balance that has been so painfully off kilter for so long.

So, it may be another few weeks before the dust settles and I'm firmly rooted back in the present. I hope, for now, that I have let off enough steam and that I can get to sleep now. Good night.

1 comment:

Gabriel said...

Well written.
There is going to be difficulty transitioning, even if it is to a place where comfort and fun are almost assured. There is no magic remedy to any one problem, only steps in the right direction.
As for the comments on "shewhowillnotbenamed", I think it's good to get your feelings off of your chest and analyze them anew from a detached perspective. Now you are out of that cycle of thanklessness and all of its variety of under-compensation, you are likely to gain new insights or cement your own analysis as fact. Thinking back to all of our multiple theories for said insanity, you might not be able to narrow it down to one solid truth, but at least you'll have more thoroughly discovered the nature of these truths.
And it's not shit-talking, it's analysis.

Time to discover a new wine rendezvous, eh?